To my Grandpa – dearest memories

pine winter forest.jpeg

My grand-father passed away yesterday and it made me see the world differently.

He was the coolest grandfather I could ask for. He was always very laid-back and composed, calm…

He always had a few jokes ready at the tip of his tongue because he liked seeing us smile.

I can’t think of a time when I was in the same room as him and I was in a bad mood, and when I was he never tried to force me out of it. I can’t say if he understood me or not but our personalities were on sync.

He would probably say something like “It seems like a fellow isn’t very happy, I wonder what is bothering this fellow…” out loud – he would look out the window. I would pretend not to know which fellow he was referring to and I would not reply. It was our inside joke.

He was passionate about healthcare even though he was an architect. He wanted to promote unorthodox medicine through dietary supplements with minimized side effects. He always shared his findings with me. Now I would be studying pharmacy and as I dive into the world of active ingredients and action mechanisms, I know that I was initiated into this field by my grand-father.

Someone asked me how he seemed when I saw him last christmas – troubled, tired?

I knew that my grand-father was old and that he had health problems, I didn’t know that when he was in Lagos last year and he was reanimated at the hospital, that would be the last of such a miraculous feat. He never complained and his health was rarely the focus of our conversations. He would even argue to have his weekly bottle of coca-cola saying that he had a sweet-tooth and always needed a little bit of sugar-rush.

But I could sometimes see in his eyes that he was tired. If only I had known that he was leaving me soon.

Though I regret not spending this summer with him, the moments we shared would always remain dear to me in my heart – from my summers as a child at his home in Enugu, to my first time visiting the village in Ogbunike and the few times I visited afterwards.

Maybe in life there isn’t just one truth. Maybe there are different truths each depending on the individual and the context. Maybe black and white, right and wrong are subjective, what if there isn’t always a fine line.

Maybe there is such a thing as instinct and maybe sometimes it leads us to the truth. What guides are instincts, does it look out for our good?

Rest in peace grandpa, you have left behind a legacy of love.

You will forever live on in our hearts. 

“I see you in your eyes.”

Advertisements

Breaking up with uninspiring habits

I think the time has come.

In between reading about substance, human consciousness and enlightenment, I made the decision of Life. I decided to live my life and love it.

I’m a very moody person and I easily settle into gloomy periods of hate, depression and anxiety. I noticed that my relationship with ‘Bae’ was not helping me either : We’ve been fighting since I finished my exams because he says I’m always busy, through my birthday because he couldn’t make it, my graduation which he also didn’t attend and the day I received my results, he was almost indifferent. I don’t think we’re meant for each other and we’re never really ON THE SAME PAGE!!! He doesn’t see the importance of doing the little things and he thinks he can skip to the main course : intimacy. (If he’s reading this) I’m sorry, I’m not confortable for that right now and I’m kind of going through enough on my own.

Even though a lot more influenced my decision. I feel like this is the best thing for me to do right now and at least we can always date other people and come back together if we fall in love in the future.

As you guys might know. June has always been a special month for me. The rain, the serenity, the changes. June is a month of transformation and I am not afraid of change (proud Gemini). I will spend the rest of my month healing and letting myself become renewed by constantly keeping myself busy and staying among people who truly care for my growth and well-being.

I am ready to cry, and to feel regret and most of all, I am ready to heal. The time is coming and it’s coming really fast this time.

What is a break-up if it isn’t difficult and unfair.

Hearts don’t break even.

Choose to live every single day…

White Teeth

My first “big” book this year was by the beautiful Zadie Smith.
It is filled with sentiment and information. It shed a new light on things I thought I understood.

1103c91ac839b5e2f9a41de7cb9dddc2
I really loved how Irie matured in this book. Though she grew up, she still harbored a lot of grief from jealously and trying to please people around her. I understood her constant search for identity which was probably one of my biggest teenage problems.

Quote #1

“Poetry is not an expression of the party line. It’s that time of night, lying in bed, thinking what you really think, making the private world public, that’s what the poet does.” —Allen Ginsberg

Introvert

I am perfectly fine being alone as long as I have my thoughts and a good book.

tumblr_nj5q80tbsb1u27g0do1_500

This week has been really tiring. My mum feels like I’m overreacting, I’m only in high-school right? wrong.

I, like countless times before, see things quite differently. For me, this is a period of evolution, transformation, change (you know, you know…).

Yes, in uni I would have more work but then I would be accustomed to that lifestyle, I would have finished going through this formative period. Till then, I feel like my family just needs to provide me with the necessary love I need to become that future woman. *sigh*

That’s it. I need to sleep now.