In between reading about substance, human consciousness and enlightenment, I made the decision of Life. I decided to live my life and love it.
I’m a very moody person and I easily settle into gloomy periods of hate, depression and anxiety. I noticed that my relationship with ‘Bae’ was not helping me either : We’ve been fighting since I finished my exams because he says I’m always busy, through my birthday because he couldn’t make it, my graduation which he also didn’t attend and the day I received my results, he was almost indifferent. I don’t think we’re meant for each other and we’re never really ON THE SAME PAGE!!! He doesn’t see the importance of doing the little things and he thinks he can skip to the main course : intimacy. (If he’s reading this) I’m sorry, I’m not confortable for that right now and I’m kind of going through enough on my own.
Even though a lot more influenced my decision. I feel like this is the best thing for me to do right now and at least we can always date other people and come back together if we fall in love in the future.
As you guys might know. June has always been a special month for me. The rain, the serenity, the changes. June is a month of transformation and I am not afraid of change (proud Gemini). I will spend the rest of my month healing and letting myself become renewed by constantly keeping myself busy and staying among people who truly care for my growth and well-being.
I am ready to cry, and to feel regret and most of all, I am ready to heal. The time is coming and it’s coming really fast this time.
What is a break-up if it isn’t difficult and unfair.
My first “big” book this year was by the beautiful Zadie Smith.
It is filled with sentiment and information. It shed a new light on things I thought I understood.
I really loved how Irie matured in this book. Though she grew up, she still harbored a lot of grief from jealously and trying to please people around her. I understood her constant search for identity which was probably one of my biggest teenage problems.
I am perfectly fine being alone as long as I have my thoughts and a good book.
This week has been really tiring. My mum feels like I’m overreacting, I’m only in high-school right? wrong.
I, like countless times before, see things quite differently. For me, this is a period of evolution, transformation, change (you know, you know…).
Yes, in uni I would have more work but then I would be accustomed to that lifestyle, I would have finished going through this formative period. Till then, I feel like my family just needs to provide me with the necessary love I need to become that future woman. *sigh*
Why can’t I stop thinking of you, my love?
My sense of awareness escapes me no longer here
What we once had, so perfect
No longer here
Why do my eyes get misty, my love?
Your perpetual stream of messages no longer here
When I check my phone to see them no longer here
Where is our love, my love?
That feeling of something so abstract yet so real I could almost touch it…no longer here
Where are you, my love?
Didn’t you say that this was forever?
Our plans we made together intertwined, dreams and hopes for a future so uncertain yet with you I was certain that this would last…
Talk to me my love…
All of a sudden, my music and joy and everything life was to me vanished, Houdini, now I am standing amidst smoke.
You’ve finally left me, my love!
All along I knew this day would come but you told me to close my eyes, to fall, 3,2,1… Now I’m plummeting down a dark void and you are on the cliff looking down at me.
Well you’ve won this round my love but I warn you,
I have not forgotten the pain I felt yesterday
And yes tomorrow, we will be the cutest couple
But I would never love you like I did before
With my eyes shut and my conscience silenced
I promise you that never again will you see that side of me that so easily fell for your gimmicks and chantage
I tattoo this promise to the innermost part of my soul,
To remind me of what you are capable of,
I would never love you again,
Now you come back and it’s too late,
This love is already broken.